


Next to me

by astrophelthracius



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Death, Illness, M/M, Older Harry, Slow Death, again...death, completely ignoring any pairings at the end, euthanesia-ish, references to abuse (just to be safe), snale lives, trigger warnings: death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 16:15:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4486275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrophelthracius/pseuds/astrophelthracius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I have lived too long and lost too much. I can't live without him beside me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Next to me

"Will you be back by dinner?" Harry turned towards the voice and smiled as he found his coat. Severus helped him put it on and he pecked his cheek before turning to wear his shoes and watch it lace itself. "Probably not, I'll eat dinner out if it gets too late." He absentmindedly replied as he disappeared through the floo. 

Severus sighed, they've been partners for almost eight years now and Harry seems to have found another fascination aside from him. He rubbed at the scar on his neck and shivered at the cold. Lately, nothing could quell the ice cold feeling within him and he'd be a fool to think it was nothing. At first he thought it was just the lack of contact with his partner that made him feel cold physically but now he knew it was more than that. He feared for his health but he wasn't quite ready to accept it before, when there was still hope that harry cared for him. He couldn't afford to look at that young face and tell the boy that nothing was wrong when something was. 

That was two years ago. Now, it seems as though they're just co existing side by side as friends, maybe even less. He was old, at least compared to Harry in muggle years. His partner was what, twenty years younger than him? Wizards could live to hundreds but harry had reservations about their age difference even before. Severus sighed as he folded their laundry and fixed them in their cabinets. He would usually use spells to do it but now he needed to reserves his magic as it was continuously draining out of him. He often tired himself out after a few charms and he had to use magic in front of Harry lest he gets suspicious. Would he even notice though? He's not home most of the time and when he was he seemed to be checking on Hedwig more than Severus. 

Severus took his scarf and coat, flooing to a private clinic. One owned by his godson. Draco met him there, hand in hand with his wife. Severus gave him a hug and they had tea, Astoria left them as she fetched Scorpius. Severus voiced his concerns to Draco and before long he was in a private room with a healer. "Mr. Snape, I am Healer Helen. I will be examining you today and my assistant is Nurse Stone, are there any symptoms that we should be aware of?" Severus mentioned everything he'd been feeling - lightheadedness, less control over his magic, constant cold. He himself had researched and he relayed that he thought it was the core sickness. 

He tested positive for it and he hung his head then. He was right all along and there was no cure for it. Nobody knew how or why it happens but core sickness meant his magical core was faulty and instead of drawing from it, he draws magic from his life force. Divine retribution it seems, also applies to wizards. He returns to their flat with more or less the same attitude, he'd known it was a possibility and he was correct. He prepared dinner, set the table for one and proceeded to finish all the house chores. He couldn't work as a death eater and now he's the equivalent of a dead man walking. He could keel over anytime and nobody would be this wiser until Harry decides to come home. 

Dinner was bland but he still left some on the table, using a preserving charm and a warming charm on it. He felt quite lightheaded after those. He didn't regret it though. He laid on the sofa and pulled the blanket over himself. He should've stayed away from Harry, now that he's confirmed it he had no reason or excuse to deny anything. He tossed and turned all night and when Harry didn't come home, he heaved himself up and packed his bags. He went back to Spinner's end, taking only some groceries and a few galleons that he still had from his teaching years. He left everything that Harry had given him except for the pendant he gave when he asked him out and a picture of the two of them from before. 

Spinner's end, so aptly named, where he would wait and meet his end and where his mother and father died. It was dusty and filled with cobwebs but it was intact. He charmed the whole place clean and though he did anticipate fainting, he wasn't expecting it to be as sudden nor as violent as it was. Thankfully the settee was in front of him and he fell onto it. He woke up to morning light and he had no way of knowing whether it was the same day or not. He shrugged and started his day, delegating tasks for himself. He washed the dishes and the floo, the heating wasn't fixed but it was still the beginning of summer so he only had to wear a coat and a scarf to get by with how cold he felt. He cooked some food for himself though he only did the most basic. He'd be wanting for food soon enough if he finished his groceries. He shopped in hogsmeade for more long lasting food supply and settled down in front of the fire to read.

He didn't bother to check on Harry because he'd left a note and the child would know what to do with himself, probably bring his new lover in. Severus stomped on the bitterness within, it was never meant to be. He was a death eater for Merlin's sake and that's besides Harry's muggle principles on age. He returned to his book, tucking his feet under the thick blanket he'd brought and cleaned. He didn't bother with the rest of the house, all he needed was one room. One room for a miserable man waiting for his end. It seemed poetic, meeting his end where his life began. Lately it's all he could think of aside from Harry and their relationship.

He felt dizzy and quite cold so he let the book fall onto the floor and covered himself with the blanket and then nothing. He woke up next to a steady beeping and a lighter blanket, though the room seemed warmer. "Severus?" He smiled at the voice before catching himself. "Harry? Where am I?" Stupid question, the beeping should have tipped him off. "St. Mungo's, don't move Sev." He opened his eyes and startled himself at the darkness. He touched his face and realized that he had indeed opened his eyes. So blindness then, out of all the unfortunate effects he'd suffer of course it would be blindness. "Why are you here? Who brought me here?" He felt Harry's hand grip his "of course I'm here. I found your note and I was worried so I tried to find you. What were you doing there Sev? I thought you hated that place. They told me you were sick, did you want anything from the house?" Ah. How stupid, of course Potter wouldn't understand his note. He never said he was leaving only that he was going somewhere. Perhaps he was hoping for something like this to happen.

"Harry, I- that note was supposed to be a farewell. I'm leaving the flat, I'm going to live in Spinner's end now. And I-i think we would be better off finding our separate ways. I'm too old for this now you know?" He felt Harry gripping him tighter. "What do you mean? Did I do anything wrong? Di-did you find somebody else?" Severus felt anger at that but he swallowed it, no use in being angry now. He'd been angry all his life, he wouldn't do it now. "No Harry, you were perfect. It's just that I think there are people that are more suitable for you. You'll be better off with somebody else. I suppose we just drifted away from each other. You have your job as an auror, you're away every night and I know I sound like I'm whining but I just couldn't take it." 

Harry let go of his hand then and he heard the door open and close. He pulled his hand to himself and kissed it reverently, the last touch he'd gotten from his beloved. He pulled himself up and sat on the edge of the bed for a few minutes, maybe hours. He stood up after a while, feeling out for anything in front of him and finding a pair of slippers. He pulled the dextrose out of his forearm and the wires connected to him, the machines started screeching and a stampede of feet arrived at the door. A disgruntled sound made it to him, it sounded familiar. "Mr. Snape, I would greatly appreciate it if you never pull that stunt again." He turned to the voice and bumped into the chair simultaneously "Healer Helen. It's nice to hear from you again." The healer took him by the arm and guided him back to the bed as feet walked away from the door. He was just settling down when he heard a familiar shout from the hall."Severus! Let me pass!" He sighed as doctors and nurses were jostled and Harry had his hand again. 

"What happened?" Clearly he was addressing Healer Helen. "Mr. Potter, it was nothing, Mr. Snape decided it was good to pull out the wires connected to him without any regards to the doctors and nurses. Snape snorted as Harry rubbed his wrist. It was his nervous habit so Severus just let him be. "Sev, you shouldn't do that. You scared me half to death!" Severus sighed. "Harry, I thought you'd left?" Harry handed him a piece of paper. "Oh! Yes, I came back to get this. Read it and you'll see." There was tone of hopefulness in his voice and Severus couldn't help but chuckle at the irony. "Sev?" He waved Harry's concern off. "It's nothing, it's just, I can't read this." Harry huffed "of course you can I'm giving you permission to read it." Severus sighed once more "Harry,I'm-I can't see anything right now. Maybe never again so I can't read this." Silence, and then Harry was tilting his head up. "Severus I swear to merlin if you're joking about this, I will have your head-" 

Whatever he saw made him gasp. "Severus, what the hell happened to you?" Soon enough Harry's hands were all over him, checking his back, his chest, his legs. It wasn't as if he hadn't seen it all so Severus left him to it. "Mr. Snape, Mr. Potter has been demanding information regarding your condition as your fiancé. However, you two have not registered and thus, I need your written consent before relaying any information to him." Harry snapped to attention at that. "Healer Helen, there will be no need for any of that. Please leave us for the time being." Harry exploded just as the door closed "Severus! What was that?" Disbelief was evident in his voice. "Harry, didn't we just talk about parting ways?" Harry was handing him that blasted paper again "Sev, I resigned from my job okay? This paper says it all. You told me being an auror stands between us so I quit. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I didn't even know you were sick until now so I quit. I- I didn't realize...I thought we were fine." 

Severus sucked in a shared breathe "Harry, you love being an auror. I may not like it but as I told you, I don't have to. You don't have to accommodate me any longer. Please, Harry, just leave me be and live your life. Nothing will come out of this relationship." Harry squeezed his hand tighter. "I will leave if you really want me to but I don't think you do. I think whatever's happening is scaring you and I can't live with that. I love you Severus. Is this about your sickness?" Severus looked away but the younger man pulled him close, embracing him. Severus leaned against the broad shoulders, allowing himself a selfish moment of intimacy. "I don't want you to see me right now. We've spent eight wonderful years together and it may not have been perfect but I don't want the end to ruin it. Don't you see? We'll both be miserable if we stay together." Harry pulled him closer still, his emerald eyes staring right into Severus's own dark ones. "You speak like you're dying Sev. You're scaring me." Severus rubbed the younger' arms and hushed him. 

"I'm sorry Harry." That was all it took for the savior to break down. His tears escaping to the potion master's hospital gown and his hands locking on his back like he was caging his soul in, keeping it in his mortal body. "Harry...come now. Do you see what I mean? You'll be fine my love." Harry clung onto him, burying his face in the crook of his neck and Severus found that being embraced was indeed more comforting than any other physical contact. They used to do this all the time, when he was injured harry would let him lay on his chest. They'd read a book near the fireplace and all that romantic sap. Severus remembered those wonderful moments like they were just yesterday.

Harry traced his face as if he was the one with no sight to speak of. Severus found it appealing and he loved it, the feel of being cherished and beloved. It felt much like what he would have done if he was to choose how to say goodbye. He took Harry's hand in his and kissed the calloused hands. He caressed them, years of practicing and training were ingrained in them. The destiny and happiness of his lover laid in them not with him. He pulled the hands away from his person and smiled at harry, still unable to let go if only to stretch the moment. "Thank you for everything Harry." Severus released the hands in his and found that he'd never felt quite so alone. The oppressive feeling of not belonging seemed more prominent when he thought of living without Harry occurred to him. Good thing, it wouldn't be a long suffering. 

Harry watched as Severus awkwardly shuffled, his hands reaching out for furniture store to hold onto. His eyes burned with tears, Severus had felt so neglected that he thought his lover wouldn't even help him get onto the damn bed. The young wizard understood how ridiculous his thoughts were. He simply felt responsible and heartbroken that Severus obviously did not expect any help. He took the searching hands and guided Severus to the bed. The potions master smiled in his general direction and shuffled, nesting under the frankly thin hospital blanket and leaning backwards onto the pillow. Harry surreptitiously held the top of his head and helped him adjust so that he wouldn't hit the headboard. The wizard noticed that Severus's eyes were closing of their own accord moments later and he kissed his cheek. The man was in a far too deep trance by then to do anything but lean into it and Harry felt his heart shatter into a million pieces at the vulnerability his lover was showing. It was so unlike the professors he knew. "I'll be here. I'm never leaving you again. We'll find a cure for this. I'm sure we can." He whispered the words as if they were prayers. Partly because they were and mostly because it was a reminder for himself more than anything. A reminder of the promises he'd made and broken when he started taking things for granted. He fell asleep with his head pillowed in his arms, hunched uncomfortably over a small portion of Severus's bed but peaceful as he heard the uninterrupted beep that signaled his lover's heart.

The next time he opened his eyes, Severus was sitting on the bed with his feet hugged to his chest and his own blanket was draped over the auror. Harry was alarmed by the slight tremor in Severus's body and he ripped the blanket off of himself, bundling Severus in it and taking off his jacket to cover his shivering back. "Why did you do that? Look at you! You're shivering!" Harry fumbled for the temperature control and increased it. He rubbed Severus's arms and legs to increase heat and encourage blood flow. He felt slightly manic, seeing his beloved look so small and sick. It was discomfiting. "I'll get you warmer blankets next time and hats and perhaps gloves if you want them." Severus shook his head. "I'll be fine. Healer Helen will get a regulator for the room. It should respond to my own and change as needed." Loss of the ability to maintain homeostasis. Harry's mind rolled that information in his head, piecing it together with Severus's blindness. There were still a lot of possible illnesses and Severus wasn't inclined to tell him. The loss of homeostatic ability to regulate body temperature in itself was horrifying, the rest would follow. Digestion, excretion, and then perhaps, circulatory functions. Harry's mind single handedly reached the conclusion that if he took long enough Severus's heart could just stop beating at the lack of appropriate response to various changes. Merlin, his heart could just stop pumping and forget that he was still alive.

.....

Shame, disgust, horror. Severus couldn't control the tears as he felt the sticky wetness between his legs and the stink of his own waste. He couldn't even move properly as he clumsily wiped himself and tried to bundle the sheets. He was disgusting and utterly miserable. His sobs echoed down the hall and Harry straightened up, reprimanding himself at his stupidity. He should never have left Severus like that. The words he said, stupid, hurtful, insensitive words. He ran his hands over his face in annoyance, he'd lost his temper and it made him want to hit himself. He rushed into the room and found Severus scratching at his now almost bald head. Harry disregarded the putrid smell of waste and urine on the bed and took Severus's hand away before they could do more damage on his surely bruised head. "I'm sorry Sev. I shouldn't have said those." Severus didn't even turn to him, like he didn't speak at all. He pressed his face into Severus's neck and whispered the same words into his ear until Severus turned to him and pushed him away. 

"Don't be sorry! You were right. I'm disgusting! I-i don't know why you even bother with me." Severus turned to harry with such agony in his eyes and somehow, his onyx eyes stared right into emerald ones. "Please, stop this. I'm not going to get any better. I'm just making your life hell so please won't you leave me to my demise? I beg you to let me die." Harry burned with anger inside but he restrained himself and simply picked his lover up. His lean body had withered to a thin and bony one. Each knob of his spine was visible and despite the clothes, Harry could imagine it clearly in his head. He washed Severus on the bath tub and hushed his cries before turning the tap to a very lukewarm temperature. He stripped off the bed and mopped the whole floors, cleaning and spraying aerosol to make it smell and look as before. 

He returned to the washroom in time to turn off the water before it overflowed and he helped Severus bath. They stayed silent throughout the day. Later, much much later when they were lying on the bed Harry curled around Severus. They'd gone through their nightly routine with Harry doing almost everything for Severus in the face of his withering strength. Harry pulled Severus tighter into his embrace and kissed the nape of his neck. Three months, a mere three months and Severus was going to be lost to him. Every lead on a cure was a dead end, every pill just kept Severus hanging between life and a peaceful rest. For the first time since Severus first told him, tears rushed down his face and he nuzzled Severus. "If-if you really want to stop everything, we'll stop. But I'll be here beside you. I'll stay with you the whole time and-and you promise me you won't do anything to cut it short. Please give me that." A thin hand reached for his and he held it. "Thank you Harry. I love you" the words were barely a whisper but Harry held on to them. That night, everyone could hear the soft cries and fell the outrage of the boy who lived.

Harry woke up the next day and groped for the pills beside their bed. He was about to shake Severus awake when he realized that there was no need for it. He hit the alarm clock to turn it off and turned to Severus. He was so still. Harry felt his heart wrench when Severus didn't respond to his jostling. He felt for a pulse but Severus was so cold and there was no heartbeat no matter how many times he tried to pump his chest. Healer Helen arrived minutes after his call and by then he was cradling Severus's limo body and sobbing into it. There was no dignity or sense in his hysterical crying. He'd known that it would happen two months after hearing of the sickness plaguing his lover and searching for a cure. Didn't they just talk about it last night? But Severus didn't give him time. Not even eternity was enough time. He kissed those cold lips and remembered Severus's last words. Perhaps, he was just waiting to hear Harry acknowledge that he'd be gone at some point. 

He couldn't remember any death that hurt and relieved as much as this. He didn't have Severus with him now but at the same time, all of his lover's suffering had ended. So he cried obscenely and didn't let go of the cold vessel that once held his soul and heart because if he did, nothing would be left to him. 

The following days were a blur of people arranging Sev's funeral while he laid in their bed. He screamed and threw things at people who wanted to know how he wanted the funeral to look like, what coffin he wanted Severus to be placed in, where he wanted him buried and where the funeral should be. They all sounded like one thing, that they were taking Severus and never giving him back. He emerged from the room a week before the funeral date and changed everything. He got Severus's favorite flowers, and two elegant oak caskets that he charmed himself to keep anything unwanted out of it. He arranged for Severus's funeral to be at the gardens of his house, his lover's favorite spot near their tree. He arranged for Severus's remains to be laid in the Potter family mausoleum in the spot reserved for his companion beside his own designated spot. He cleaned them out himself and made the engravements on the stone alone. He planted their flowers nearby. When that was done, he locked himself back inside their room and wrote his will. He drank their favorite tea and laid on the left side of the bed, leaving the clothes he'd like for Severus to wear and wearing the clothes he wanted himself to. It was the most peaceful sleep he ever had and the next day, his friends found him with a smile on his face and a hand on Severus's pillow. 

Sometimes birds who lose their mate would perish too.  
I have lived too long and lost too much. I can't live without him beside me.  
-Harry


End file.
